i have really been struggling with finding the right person/people to talk to, and was honestly quite scared initially with posting here because i really dont want to be treated differently because of this, but now i realise i need to let it all out and cant keep it in.
i think i’ll start with where it all started and all. anyways, i dont really want to get into it much but during my years at primary/elementary school it was hell. i was well. the weird kid, the kid who had no friends, the kid who would sit at the back and draw instead of doing work. i also had anger issues back then, and although i have learnt to control it now, i often got extremely aggressive to these kids and was often punished because of it. one day, i decided to channel my courage and tell my parents about it, about how every day i came to school i specifically avoided people and just tried to get to my desk as fast as possible and open my book and read. her response was along the lines of “just dont react lol, u dont do anything they wont either”. so i did, i took it all and just sat through it, but it only got worse and worse. fast forward a few years and i overhear my parents calling “all these depression and stress stuff” bullshit, and a waste of time, and at that moment i realised i dont think i could tell them anything anymore. anyways, reading and drawing was my escape from school. i was different from the other students, and i couldnt really make any friends because of it, but honestly i didnt think it was that bad, and being bullied every day for how i looked and acted was just “kids being kids“. fast forward to now, i see my brother plays fortnite with his primary school friends basically every day, i follow my dad to work and see him get coffee with people he knew since he was 9, and i think to myself, why dont i have any of this? when i realised that i had finished primary school and had not kept in contact with any1 i knew, and that i had genuinely new friends, i realised how shitty my experience was with it. my parents thought i was ecstatic since i had scored amazingly on my UPSR's (primary school end exam, rlly big thing here), they didnt really care about how i felt getting there, or if i was happy with life overall.
anyways, the big exam was over and now im heading to secondary school, really big thing for me and my parents. i was honestly extremely shy back then, and didnt make friends fast. at the early stages of secondary school (yr 8 and 9) i was doing amazing, was aceing math (my worst subject), had gotten a strong group of friends, and honestly was quite happy with life. when yr10 started and we had to pick our subjects for our gsce’s (big secondary school exam), i started to fall behind. my math got significantly worse, i wasnt really focused in my other classes as well and art was much more of a chore than i thought. then arguably the worst part of my schooling life happened, the lockdowns. we started ours in the middle of march, and we had to start with online learning. at the start it was fine, i messed around with my friends, but my grades got worse and worse. then around like 2 months after it started, i found out that all my friends had kind of left me behind, and started hanging out with other people, the stereotypical “cool kids” crowd, which kinda hurt more because they used to be dicks to us before this. so yeah, i was pretty much friendless again aside from a few people online i knew. this also really sucked because my mock exams were coming up, and well im p sure you all know that studying by yourself, not having any1 to really ask or talk to really fucking sucked.
but then something really changed me: i met a girl. a girl who was amazing, who always encouraged me to do better, who helped me out of a dark time, who had really just made me better as a person. i loved this girl, with all my heart, and she loved me back, and i had thought i had found true love. i had basically flunked my mock exams when i met her, and was overall just out of motivation. when i did meet her though, it changed how i looked at the world, and i realised i really wanted to fucking make sure i work hard and achieve the goals i want in life to someday be with her. she was really the catalyst to my will to make a good life out of myself. i put so much hope, trust, and determination into that relationship, and making sure i did not fail at life, that when the second round of mocks came in, my grades soared up, when i was averaging d-c’s in classes i now scored high b’s and low a’s, i really was at the top of the world with her, and felt i could do anything. she changed me for the better then. around late june july, the real deal started, i was stressed as fuck but i knew i could do it, and would do it just for her. i had zoomed past all the long weeks of exams, and finally came the last week. she was my everything, she was my forever.
the saturday before the last week, while i was busy preparing for the exam 2 days later, i get a call from one of the people who i know from school, and they send me pictures of her with another guy, and some screenshots of messages between her and one of my friends. this was the saturday before the biggest exam basically of my life up until this point, the exam that basically determines how my life goes from now on. and i find out my girlfriend, the one i put so much trust, love, and happiness into, the one person that i was determined to succeed for, even over myself really, with another person. my heart fucking crumbled. i decided to ignore it and pretend like it didnt happen, enter the exam hall, and forget about it. once the week ended, and my exams officially ended, i walked out of school and saw her with another guy, and i was reminded of what happened and just walked away. i couldnt say anything to the people i knew from school, to my parents, i just walked into my room, locked the door and cried. i cried and cried until dinner. before dinner i wiped my eyes, and pretend i didnt just lose the person i loved the most in my life. the next day i tried to talk to her about it, i honestly thought it was my fault, i blamed myself for everything and promised to do better, i just wanted her back in my life, back to when i was happy. then she tells me she had been doing this for nearly a month now and honestly just wanted to break up with me. i tried to rekindle what we had, what happiness we shared months ago, but she refused. thats when the worst came.
when my depression hit me in full force. nearly every night from that point on i would cry myself to sleep, i stayed up until the early hours of the morning just to contemplate where i had gone wrong in our relationship, and i couldnt find it. we barely had any fights, really only just 2, we always knew we had each other to come to when we needed some1 to talk to, it looked perfect to me. so many nights i used to open our apartment window next to my bed and just stare out, dreaming of what would happen if i just jumped? i had no one to love anymore, i had no friends to talk to, i cant talk to my parents because i am terrified of their response, i know they dont handle stuff like this well. i had my results coming out soon, what if they were bad? what was i supposed to do with my life then? where am i supposed to go after this? even though all these thoughts were flowing theough my head, all i could think of was “where did i not love her enough?” i felt incomplete, i had nothing to do, no motivation to do anything, most days i would just sit in my room all day and avoid my parents as much as possible. i had the same routine every day, eat go to bed, eat, sleep, on and on and on. i had no goal, no wants, nothing. i was empty. then the anger started coming back. i was angry at her for leaving me like this, i was angry at myself for not trying enough to make things right, i was angry at my parents for not caring enough, i was angry at my friends who never really cared about me. my tendencies got worse, just looking at things like my fan in my room, the window by my bed was enough to set me on my spree of dark thoughts. “how long would it last if used the fan? pretty sure its tall enough for it to be quick”, “would i even feel anything if i hit the ground below?”, ”would any1 even care if they found me with this knife?”. i was sad, alone, and hurting. i was broken. then it got even worse when my parents started pressuring me about work and higher education. it didnt even look like they cared that sometimes at dinner my eyes would be red from crying, or that i never smiled anymore, or that i locked myself in my room most of the day, all they cared about is whether i be a doctor or a lawyer when i grow up. i hated it, i hated them for not understand me, i hate them for not trying. i hate myself for not having the courage in me to go to them.
right now i’ve found a community of people online that are honestly amazing and really saved me from going too far, but i still havent healed. i may put on a happy face, make jokes, and try to show that i have moved on but honestly it keeps coming back. the amazing times with her, the times i thought i had found a community but then have been left in the dust by them, the times i have been thrown away. thats why i cant guarantee my whole in this community, because im scared if i do that ill just be thrown to the side one day. i want to believe i had found my home, but i dont know if i can take being crushed again. i have a lot of problems at home, at work, at classes that i dont share anywhere here because i dont want to burden more people, and i sincerely apologise if i burdened you here by reading this, i just really thought i need to let this out there because i dont think i have anyone that i can talk to about this. therapy here isnt exactly the most established thing here, most people are fairly traditional and dont believe it helps, and my parents obviously wouldnt let me. i dont i myself can even force myself to tell a random person about my issues.
now hs is over and i dont know what to do with my life, im scared of going to college and meeting new people, scared that they’ll leave me again. im scared that i’ll find some1 who makes my life worth living, for them to truly help me, then break me even harder. i dont understand how life works honestly, how im expected to know exactly what im supposed to do at 16, how i should have a plan set up. i dont even have people around me to talk to about it.
i force myself to be happy now, that i should move on, that i have found people here that appreciate me for who i am, but i dont think i can.
i dont think i can heal, and i dont think any of these scars i have can ever heal. i dont think ill find anyone in this world who brings me as much joy as she once did, i dont think ill be able to able to trust people. i dont think ill every gain faith in my parents to care about wether im happy or not. i dont think ill ever really fit anywhere. i am afraid of loving again, i am afraid of what happens if it doesnt work out again. i am afraid of telling people because i dont want to be judged, i am afraid of what happens if i cant take it anymore, i am afraid of trying. i dont think ill ever truly be whole again.
i am broken, and i dont think i can fix myself