Do You Even Lift: Over with Unova - Part 1

Unova, the final frontier, featuring towns in an easy-to-follow linear path along with enough bridges for anyone who cares for bridges, a city/forest that can exist in the same spatial plane, and a weird garden in the center called the Entralink that can only be reached by pressing a button on a C-Gear. Truly an amazing place, but it's time to run some laps and see what sort of Gyms await us here!

Cress, Cilan, and Chili

Striaton, the city of dreams, is where trainers start their dream adventure, a ditzy scientist plugs Pokémon into machines that give them comas, and the kids call a warehouse the Dreamyard since they have no real school. All they have is a pathetic Trainer's School where kids can learn of the many types of status a Pokémon may receive! See, this is the problem with an economy based on having kids grow up to be Pokémon Trainers: anyone who wants to do something else with their life is left in the dust. They'll spend the rest of their lives being uneducated waiters; speaking of which, let's see what sort of grub they got here!

Gym Puzzle

What a puzzle! I couldn't even get into the Gym until a woman threw me a monkey that defecates everywhere and I learned of the values of status ailments at the Trainer School. I enter the fine restaurant and an old man passes me some Fresh Water. A fine appetizer, but where is the complementary bread? The strategy and intrigue is just heating up! Speaking of which, look at this giant red curtain with a symbol of fire upon it! Such majesty and grace that would fit on the finest theater stage! But alas it is so heavy I cannot move past it! Perhaps by pressing the same red button which matches the curtain I can apply my skills of matchmaking to get some food! But the red button does not open the red curtain, what madness is this? Defeated, I march toward the button that will surely assist me, the green leaf one. Because green and red are the colors of Christmas, their opposition creates the power to move a giant sheet of cloth… except that does not work either. Left with no other option, I see on the opposite side of the room a big boring blue button. I am forced to press it, and to my surprise it does work. I am saved and food shall be mine! But as it rises, I see before me a single trainer and another giant curtain with three buttons.

brb gonna buy the strategy guide/10

Difficulty

No matter what you do, you are going to die a painful and excruciating death. Your starter, no matter what type, is useless against these triplets of terror because they will always use the type you are weak against. It's like they are trying to teach you some painful and horrible lesson about game mechanics! There is no hope, these waiters don't monkey around!

100/10

Spoils of War

Work Up raises both Attack and Special Attack; it's actually extremely useful for the early-game and most in-game mons since there is always a tendency to run mixed sets with all the HM and STAB moves you have going on.

7/10

Coolness

Triplets scare me, I'm not even sure if they can truly exist without fertility drugs or cloning. Apart, they are mediocre and not very threatening, but if you put Grass, Fire, and Water together, you just end up with the smell of burnt leaves and soggy ash. Imagine these three as that mixture.

2/10

Overall

I can barely call this a full meal with two measly Pokémon to fight against. My starter and my monkey need much more than just the likes of those three. See you in my Dream World, Striaton City!

3/10

Lenora

Lenora decided to make her Gym a library inside a museum, and her type is Normal. Can the boring level compound itself any further? I don't understand why this happens. This game in its first five minutes establishes that you shouldn't have Pokémon fight in homes, then we fight a Gym battle in a restaurant, and now with tons of books around. This is dangerous. I'm getting out of here as fast as I can!

Gym Puzzle

This is not a puzzle; this is understanding the Dewey Decimal System. I did not take out a two-year Gym membership in Unova just to catch up on research papers and fairy tales. Finding the books with the memos and information is simple enough really. It's unfortunate the real answer to this puzzle isn't "have my Pignite burn it all to the ground", because I wouldn't hesitate.

5/10

Difficulty

Pignite ruins this Gym, and regardless of starter, you can also with some work find a wild Sawk outside the forest. I have mentioned earlier that Sawk is the best Pokémon in BW that isn't a good competitive Pokémon in Tiers of Joy, but it is worth expanding on how badly Lenora is ruined by this blue macho man. Even if you get the lowest-level Sawk at level 12, it will learn Double Kick the next level and destroy everything this pathetic Museum/Library/Gym chimera has to offer.

1/10

Spoils of War

You could try setting up Retaliate by just switching in your HM slave to die and then sending out anything with this TM, but it has really low PP and otherwise it will just be a 70 BP move. It's worth trying with this whole reusable TM business (isn't it great how copyright has changed in light of piracy?).

6/10

Coolness

Lenora may have the most boring Gym imaginable, but she does have a giant apron and some huge hair. But when we are dealing with this level of boring, nothing could help.

4/10

Overall

I do not regret defeating Lenora so easily that she retires from Gym leading forever. She has much better things to do such as her Museum/Library project and finding an apron that does not make her look like a complete giant.

4/10

Burgh

Castelia City is one rockin' city. If you get bored here, chances are you haven't left your basement in about a month. There is so much to do! From taking a break from all the working out and enjoying a nice Casteliacone to foiling the plans of a crime syndicate to even checking out the Game Freak headquarters, you're sure to have a great time in the big city.

Gym Puzzle

Castelia City's Gym puzzle isn't particularly difficult, but it still makes grown men cry. Looking through Merriam-Webster's Dictionary and trying to choose out a way to describe this Gym, I came across one word that covers it well: messy. You have to walk through walls of honey in order to get through to the next part. But that's not all. You have to step on these buttons to open gates if you want to move on. These are sticky buttons—sticky, honey-covered buttons. And to top it all off, some of these buttons trigger a surprise attack from harlequins (read: terrifying clowns). Now you're covered in honey and scared to death. And when these awful, terrifying, tear-inducing clowns pop up, they shoot confetti at your honey-covered body. I hope you were prepared to battle Burgh looking like a fabulous chicken.

7/10 (if only for the therapy needs the clowns provide)

Difficulty

If you can manage to make it to Burgh despite the embarrassment of wet pants and a glitter-and-honey-covered body, you shouldn't struggle too much against Burgh himself. Probably the hardest part about this Gym battle is having to knock out one of the cutest Bug-type Pokémon known to man—Dwebble. It looks up at your Pignite through the hole of its shell, begging for you not to crush it. And it ends up hurting your heart more than it hurts the poor bug. He's also got a Whirlipede and a Leavanny that can't do a whole lot to your Pokémon. For some reason, Burgh was dumb enough to use his awful TM on his own Pokémon. Sucks for him, but it's great for you!

6/10 (if only for the therapy that smashing that poor bug induces)

Spoils of War

The TM you are rewarded for destroying the cutest Pokémon of Unova and a stage three Pokémon is Struggle Bug. You could say that Burgh struggles to meet expectations.

0/10

Coolness

It's rumored that Burgh is the only gay Gym Leader amongst all the Pokémon leagues. He has perfectly fashioned hair, slightly limper-than-normal wrists, fabulous striped pants, and one hell of a scarf. Burgh may use Bug-type Pokémon, but he definitely doesn't have cooties!

10/10

Overall

Castelia City's Gym focuses less on lifting and more on giving a mental workout. But in spite of his sadistic Gym, Burgh's a pretty cool guy. He'll even wipe your tears away before you start your battle.

8/10

Elesa

Intro for Gym: Amusement parks frighten me. At least this one does not have many clowns to steal my nose. The worst part about these roller coasters is that there is all this electricity spewing around. I thought these places were supposed to be fun and safe. Having electric squirrels flying around is not my sort of entertainment.

Gym Puzzle

In terms of Electric Gym puzzles and Gym puzzles in general, this is one of the worst. Fight trainer, press button, ride roller coaster, repeat. There are even times when you have to wait for the roller coaster to arrive, just like at real amusement parks. Your brain is really working on full capacity here.

1/10

Difficulty

Normally, Ground-types walk all over the mid-game Electric Gyms. If you brought along a Sandile, don't expect a quick Moxie victory. Elesa has her two Emolga to rain Quick Attack death upon you. Zebstrika can also Flame Charge and still has Quick Attack, so you are not going first unless you also have some priority.

7/10

Spoils of War

Last article I said that the only Electric-type TM that is worth your while is Thunderbolt. Then they introduced a little goodie called Volt Switch. If you don't know why this is a fantastic move to get easily in-game, there are about a thousand different articles on momentum on the site that could help you understand.

9/10

Coolness

Elesa has a hip style that isn't overstated. Too much yellow can ruin an outfit and too much black along with it can make you look like a Combee. This isn't the case here, and it's fashionable functional and a timeless piece. There is no reason to ever change it because it works and she would never get so into modelling she would need to change her entire appearance… right?

8/10

Overall

The only thing good about this theme park is that I'm one badge closer to completing these Gym reviews. I don't want to go on any more Ferris Wheels with a neurotic green-haired guy and now that sweaty hiker at the entrance is glancing at me and it's not just for a trainer battle. I'm out of here. Please, Elesa, lift that bridge over troubled water and allow me to continue my journey.

7/10

Clay

Driftveil City is sort of interesting. On one hand, it looks like a pretty cool town, but on the other hand, it sucks. There's this market you can go to. Uhh, you can go to the Cold Storage which is basically a really cold building with a lot of blocks of ice. That pretty much sums up the city. The good thing, on the other hand, is that the Gym is not much like the rest of the city.

Gym Puzzle

Okay, so the Gym puzzle isn't exactly the redeeming factor of the Gym. You run around to different platforms and move up and down, fighting trainers along the way. The worst part about the Gym puzzle has to be the dreaded cones blocking your way from the start of the Gym. If you could just lift these two pound cones and relocate them, you could skip the Gym trainer fights and head straight for Clay. Looks like we probably have some more lifting to do.

2/10

Difficulty

The past Gyms haven't been too tough, with your trusty starter Pokémon and a few friends you picked up along the way. Still, despite your lack of preparation for this Gym, none of the others have been that bad. Right? You would be right if Clay didn't have an Excadrill. With a combination of Slash, Rock Slide, and Bulldoze, the only way you can have a Pokémon that won't mind taking one of these hits is if you hacked the GTS and got a Bronzong with Earthquake. Still, if you managed to pick up a Sawk, Throh, or Timburr before now, you should be in decent shape. Sure, it's an Excadrill, but his other Pokémon, Krokorok and Palpitoad, don't much enjoy a punch to the face either.

5/10

Spoils of War

Bulldoze is a pretty cool move until you pick up Earthquake. With a respectable 60 Base Power and the utility of dropping your opponent's Speed in the same turn, you don't have a lot of room to complain about a decent TM. Too bad the next Gym Leader uses Flying-types though.

5/10

Coolness

If Game Freak was looking for some kind of redemption in this poor Gym, they did it with Clay. Clay is a true man's man. He uses a spittoon for his chewing tobacco, talks with a Southern drawl, and he wears a COWBOY HAT! What else can you ask for? I'm pretty sure that before we left, he was cursing under his breath about yanks and socialism too.

7.5/10

Overall

The town, the Gym, the TM, they're all pretty subpar. However, between Excadrill and Clay's persona, you'll want to come back for more.

6/10

Skyla

This is a plane city that feels rather plain; if only their method of commerce could be more exciting and (aero)dynamic! They even have a nearby tower to mourn the dead Pokémon that died of boredom while living near this place. As a side note, everyone here must be really deaf from living next to the airport; talk about bad real estate!

Gym Puzzle

A Gym where you are promised the ability of flight sounds very interesting, until that involves being shot out of a cannon repeatedly without any sort of helmet. The real puzzle here is how are these Gyms not breaking some sort of safety legislation in Unova? Do they actively want to kill trainers before they are forced to fight the Gym Leaders? For the most part, this is just hopping into cannons and then hoping you don't die. Sometimes you have to choose which side of the deathtrap you wish to enter in, and other times they shoot you right into walls where you fall down. Your safety is not guaranteed.

6/10

Difficulty

After the bouts with the cannons and supposing you don't have brain damage, this battle should be a cinch. Fresh out of Chargestone Cave, there should be one Electric-or Rock-type on your battle roster by now to clip these birds of their wings.

3/10

Spoils of War

Acrobatics can be useful for berries and gems, or when nothing else in game is useful for whatever you have on your team. But keep in mind by this point you have the Lucky Egg in what is clearly the biggest slap in the face to those who earlier grinded on Chansey or did the awful side quest in Pokémon XD (like myself). So most of the time you will have some item that you may want to use over teaching this little TM.

5/10

Coolness

I cannot respect anyone who would find enjoyment from my suffering vis-à-vis cannons and fractured skulls. This score will not improve until those cannons leave.

0/10

Overall

After winning, Skyla makes promises in the form of cargo plane travel. Too bad she never acts upon them (in this game). I think it's time to leave this airhead behind.

4/10

Brycen

Icirrus City and its surrounding areas are known for their cold weather and heavy precipitation. While there may not be a whole lot going on in town, the surrounding areas are pretty cool. To the south, you've got a really cool bog where you can encounter such adorable Pokémon as Stunfisk and Shelmet. To the north, you find Dragonspiral Tower, home to such tremendously cool Pokémon as Druddigon and Golurk. To the east, there is a pretty cool cave. And on the west, you'll find another bridge, this one has a lot of metal bars! Unfortunately, the Gym is pretty predictable.

Gym Puzzle

Welcome to the third Ice-type Gym in all of the Pokémon world. Once again, it is the seventh of eight Gyms, and once again, the Gym puzzle is sliding around on ice. But there is a twist! Instead of sliding around on ice to hit buttons or break snowballs in a linear fashion, you slide around on ice and occasionally hit ramps that spin you in a curve! Yeah, it's still really lame, but at least they made some kind of effort to make it different.

2/10

Difficulty

Ice-type Pokémon are notoriously bad, and those found in Brycen's Gym are truly no exception. He starts out with an underwhelming Vanillish, which you should feel embarrassed not to OHKO. Then he moves on to his Cryogonal, which you should feel embarrassed not to OHKO. The only saving grace in this awful Gym is Beartic, perhaps one of the manliest Pokémon found in any Gym aside from Excadrill and Haxorus. It's got a pretty powerful Icicle Crash that you should keep an eye out for. Unfortunately, the rest of its set is bad, and you should probably OHKO this too. I guess it can't be helped, us being so strong and all.

3/10

Spoils of War

For defeating Brycen, you are awarded with the TM Frost Breath which always results in a critical hit. The only issue with this is that it's only got 40 Base Power. I suppose it's not all bad though—Ice is still a great attacking type, and you won't get Ice Beam for quite a while anyways.

5/10

Coolness

As though it were a theme for Unova Gym Leaders, Brycen's coolness makes up a bit for the low quality of the rest of his Gym. He is the second ninja to be featured in a Pokémon game (though Koga is cooler, and Janine doesn't count because she's a nub). He wears a band around his face to disguise his identity. He's got this awesome half-cloak type thing that he wears which undoubtedly causes the ladies to swoon in his presence. As we all know, mystery is the real cruise control for cool, and Brycen's shrouded in mystery. And snow.

9/10

Overall

Unless you somehow manage to get an invitation to one of Brycen's exclusive parties, you should probably just hang out at Dragonspiral Tower.

4/10

Iris

Welcome to Opelucid City. I like this city because I sort of get this at-home feel even though it looks nothing like my hometown. I don't know if it's the cobblestone everywhere or what it might be, but I at least want to live here. And if nothing else, the leader of this Gym is a little girl with a bunch of big, scary Dragons.

Gym Puzzle

This puzzle is a little difficult, but the main draw of it isn't the difficulty. It's how badass it is. You legitimately walk on these gigantic dragon statues, looking for switches to step on to get the statues to rotate. As the statues rotate, more switches become available until you climb all the way to the top and meet the Gym Leader of Opelucid City.

8/10

Difficulty

You're facing three scary dragons. Fraxure is not too bulky, but it hits incredibly hard. More importantly, the only weaknesses that Dragon-types have are Ice and Dragon itself, making it difficult to knock the Fraxure out in one hit. On top of this, unless you were strategic with the Pokémon you caught up to the point, the gender of your Pokémon may cost you quite a bit. With Rivalry, all of Fraxure's attacks are boosted when used against Pokémon of the same gender. This is truly an instance of punch-drunk love. Once you have made it past Fraxure, you have to deal with Druddigon. Druddigon hits even harder and is far bulkier than Fraxure. With Rough Skin in addition to its great power, you're probably going to see a Pokémon faint by the time Druddigon falls. And finally, Haxorus is ready to clean up after Fraxure and Druddigon have weakened your team. The only thing saving you from imminent doom here is that Haxorus's only Dragon STAB is Dragon Tail. Even with this considered, you better come prepared for this battle. If you don't, you're going to have some issues.

7/10

Spoils of War

You've finally finished beating the Unova Pokémon League! After eight long, grueling battles against some of the best Pokémon trainers in the region, you are awarded with one last TM for your TM case. Congratulations! You receive Dragon Tail. Yeah, I mean, competitively it's a pretty good move. But in-game, you might as well ignore this one.

3/10

Coolness

Iris is a little kid with big scary Dragons. If that's not cool, I don't know what is.

8/10

Overall

Coolest Gym puzzle, one of the coolest Gym Leaders, and by far the coolest Pokémon of all of the Unova league. She might give you a horrible TM for in-game purposes, but this is a Gym that will keep you coming back.

8/10

Conclusion

Well, it was one long clockwise path, but Unova has now been conquered. Unfortunately, having defeated Alder and Team Plasma, we seem to have lost our badges while partying on Victory Road. Now there are all these rescue crews and impassable pylons in our way, and it looks like our badge case was dropped somewhere in all the rubble. That only means we have to run this race again!

There will be more bridges next time, won't there?

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